Working Pass 2009

I can't believe the year is almost over and I'm just now making a working pass for this year. Whoops! I guess I've been pretty lax anyway, but there are a few things to post...If you are not familiar with my "Working Pass". It's just for me to keep track of the events I've worked or volunteered for, what year, etc.

Tiger Basketball - 2008-09 season, Mizzou Arena spot-op
True/False Film Fest, various dates, In the District - decoration, and March March parader
The Eagles, March 17, 2009, Mizzou Arena -runner
John Gorka, March 22, 2009, Open Borders Music Series -set up/merch girl/strike
Lipizzaner Stallions, April 9, 2009, Hearnes Center -spotop
Michael Smith, April 14, 2009, Open Borders MS -set up/take down
FFA State Convention, April 16/17, 2009, Hearnes Center -spot-op
Videology Rooftop Party, May 29, 2009, Missouri Theatre -load out
Videology + Jason Lytle, July 3, 2009, Tonic -door person
Annual Taste of the Market, August 1, 2009, Farmer's Market -I.D.check in the wine tent
Tiger Football -2009 season, Faurot Field -gate check/crowd controller
Sprite Step-Off, October 3, 2009, Mizzou Arena -load in,spot-op,floor conversion
Jason Aldean, October 10, 2009, Mizzou Arena -runner
Jeff Dunham, October 11, 2009, Mizzou Arena -runner
Citizen Jane Film Fest, October 16-17, 2009, Tonic/Orr St.Studios -door person
Off Track Events -MidMo BRR, October 31, 2009, MKT/Katy Trail -support
Off Track Events -XCX Race, November 14, 2009, Midway Sandbar -support
e-Dance Benefit Party for Joni&Jared, December 5, 2009, 9th St.Deli -support
New Year's Eve with Videology and Haii Usagi, December 31, 2009, Tiger Hotel/The Vault -door person

Would you not like to be...ok, ok, ok?

Every day I reflect. Every day I wish I posted some of it down. It seems like every day I manifest some thought or idea that just says 'YES! You are on your way to greatness!' This is good, no? The past couple of months have been good for me. I'm not sure exactly when the peace crept in, but my days seem almost... well, boring. I like it. I like the simplicity. I like being guilt free. I like the mental stability. While there is something to be said for a good all-out-pounding-the-shit-out-of-your-pillows-in-frustration there's simply nothing in the world like the peace of squinting up into daybreak with the birds having conversation with your brain sleep satisfied and a lack of immediate must-dos.

It's been nearly a year. Well, It has been a year. Depending on what I'm counting from. It's been a year and a week since I said goodbye to my 15 acres, my dream of owning my own house, my last 7 years with C...And I am close to one year out from the wreck that totaled my car, but not my life thankfully, and a year I've been without a car, and moved into a house in town. Just me and my boy. (And 2 dogs, and a cat, and a lizard.) lol. It's been a year of neck pain, and fighting anxiety and tears, and questions about what's next. A year of 4 seasons, with getting to know someone new, getting to know myself as me, finding MY balance then balancing the rest. It's been a year of shedding, and breathing, and stretching, and being completely aware, all at the risk of losing acquaintance and friends alike. It's been a year.

Today it occurred to me while chatting with My Spark, that these are the days we will some day wish for. We must use them well, use them fully, use them wisely, have fun while doing it, be passionate, be nothing at all, rest while we can, breathe because we can, give where we can, become the person that we are capable of, teach what we know, learn what we don't. These are the days my mother never told me about. These are the days nobody ever told me about. I am on a journey into the unknown, my unknown. I WANT these days. I WANT this opportunity, and oh how long I've longed for it. One year is just the beginning. Then suddenly one turns to 40, or 50, or 83...

My grandparents sent a photograph the other day of a recent picture of them. It's hard to believe that I used to think of them as being The Evil Grandparents. I never truly felt they were evil. But I was told that. I was told they were prying where they didn't belong. I was told they were going to kidnap me. And now I look at them, and am so full of joy just knowing they are mine. My blood. From Grandpa's hat, to Grandma's body shape, from Grandma's love of silver rings to Grandpa's full head of hair. I am THEM, and they have become me, living on through their kids and grands. I am full of gratitude and brimmed with tears to know them, to be them. NO evil there ever. And the Universe knew, long before I ever did, that by creating my life as I know it that I would have a full life of knowing them and being able to connect to them, so that I can know who I am. It's just amazing.

"I cant believe that we would lie in graves
Wondering if we had spent our living days well
I cant believe that we would lie in graves
Wondering what we might of been
I cant believe that we would lie in graves
Wondering if we had spent our living days well
I cant believe that we would lie in graves
Wondering what we might of been

Would you not like to be
Would you not like to be
I cant believe that you would not like to be
Would you not like to be

Ok, ok, ok.."

Ernal Deaths

I don't know which is more difficult. Surely I've contemplated it several times at least, but still don't have an answer that works for me. When friends undergo a parental death I really don't know what to say. Honestly, I don't know what to say when anyone dies, but there's a different feeling of loss that comes with parental death I think.

The question being: Is it more or less difficult to lose a parent when you are young and miss them every day of your growing self, or after a lifetime of memories with them and having to suddenly let go? Most of my adult life I have chided myself on my luck of not having to endure a parental death in my adult life to somehow help me deal with the early loss; which has been somewhat of a lie. My biological parents may be gone, but regardless of my relationships with my step-parent(s), they are still parents none-the-less and at some point I will be faced with dealing with their deaths.

I am reminded of this every time someone else's parent(s) die. And again today. A special needs man (my age) that works at my employer told me his father died last week, which is why he's been gone all week. He lost his cat of 18 years earlier this year. I only mention his special needs because it affects my reactions towards his loss. My true reaction is I am sorry for his loss. But I don't know what to do or say. I've got nothing. We've all got nothing. "I'm sorry. Are you ok? How's your mom? Did your sister come down? Good. Ok. " How does that soothe the heartache?

I don't have a real point to this entry other than to acknowledge that it affects me, but I don't know what to do with the emotions. I want to celebrate the deaths of people that are in a better place, complete peace we hope...free of pain both physical and emotional, free of obligation, free of stress...free. I want to be heartbroken for those that lose someone they loved so deeply the passing left a window in their heart. I want to be angry for all the parentless children that have to go through life without that biological connection to their motherlove or fatherlove. And instead I just go numb. My nothing is something... but then what?

"I'm sorry. Are you ok?"